Tough Choices

This past week and a half has been extremely challenging on both a professional and personal level. As a result I have slipped back into old habits which include opting for a hamburger and fries instead of a salad and having chocolate cake instead of fruit for an evening snack.

I am not sure why I have turned to eating. I think I am hoping that it will offer me comfort as I struggle through some tough weeks ahead and the need to evaluate which choices I should make.

I realize that this may all sound a bit cryptic. Let me state it another way. I am at a crossroads and I need to determine which fork in the road to travel down. But I am afraid of making a decision as I worry that I might opt to take the wrong path.

So I am delaying the decision making process and filling my time with food.

I need to hit the reset button, and I need to do it SOON! I had been doing so good. I was down close to 7lbs since early Jan. I fear that I have put it all back on.

Perhaps I should use my recent action as an input into my decision making process. Obviously my mental and physical health is being chal.enged and I am slipping back into old ways. I need to consider taking the path that will prevent this from going on.

Week of Jan 24: Gratitude Update

• I am thankful for free books that are available for my Kindle e-reader
• I am thankful for my friends that were able to come over the past weekend to have some lavosh and wine
• I am thankful for my neighbor who helped me change the filter on the furnace while my roommate was out of town
• Thankfully this allowed the furnace to turn back on and run without stopping – it got down to 55 degrees in the house (brrr!)

Week of Jan 17: Gratitude Update

• I am thankful for my friend Dand and the time we were able to spend having dinner and sharing a bottle of wine this past week
• I am thankful that I was able to work out 5 of the last 7 days
• I appreciate the taste of coffee in the morning; I can't imagine starting my day without it
• I am thankful for Rick and the encouragement he gives me even when I am feeling down; he is great at dealing with my moods including my Swedish stubbornness

Physical Challenges

I try not to make too many excuses in my life. I have had my failures and am usually able to realize what I did wrong and learn from it.

I also know that trying to do the same task in the same manner and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So if I'm not getting the results I want I am open to trying another way.

Holding on to this mentality is proving harder than I anticipated as it relates to some physical challenges I have encountered in the last year.

Let me explain...

In May of 2010 I had my left knee scoped. I went through a few weeks of physical therapy and rehab and recovered quicker than I anticipate.

In September of 2010 I had my right knee scoped. I now have a matching set of scars. That is the only thing that matches though between the two experiences. I went through the same rehab process but the results were not the same.

For all medical purposes I have recovered from my right knee surgery. I have a full range of motion, I walk without a limp and my knee no longer "pops and grinds" when I bend it.

However, from a working out and athletic stand point I am not the same. My knee is almost always aching. At certain points when I bend my knee it feels like it isn't tracking correctly. Its prone to locking up and getting stiff.

These feelings did not encourage me to make it back to the gym last year. Workouts hurt too much. On top of not making it to the gym I also opted to soothe my frustration by eating for comfort.

I figure that much of the weight I gained in the last part of 2010 was due to the more challenging recovery from my right knee surgery and lack of workouts. I'm also certain that the plates of nachos I used to comfory myself didn't help either!

(I have two other reasons for which I blame the weight gain but I won't put it out there yet; its a bit to private.)

The thing of it is I have to go back to working out in order to lose the weight. There aren't many alternative options available or other ways to do things to get the same result of exercise.

Trust me if there was a way to burn calories without exercise I would be all over it!

This past week I have started back to the gym. I have found a few ways to modify my workouts. I'm starting off slowly and opting to do low impact activities like the spin bike and eliptical. I hope to some day get back to the workouts I enjoyed best (walking and running) but I realize I need to be patient.

My knee is aching still today after my low impact workout but I'm determined to keep moving.

Onwards and upwards.

Woo Hoo!

As I mentioned (I think). I joined Weight Watchers in December and quickly ignored their plan. My biggest excuse was the holiday season. I went to a meeting today over my lunch hour and stepped on the scale for the first time since that initial meeting; a month ago.

NERVE RACKING

I held my breath as the numbers on the scale flickered, moving back and forth before settling on the final number. As the number stopped I exhaled the breath I had been holding. I was down 0.2lbs. Basically I held steady. I'm actually okay with that. I really feared that I would have gained over the holiday season.

Week of Jan 10: Gratitude Update

• I am thankful for my sister who let me stay at her house on New Year's day while I was sick with a cold and couldn't travel home. She allowed me to rest even though I risked getting her and her family sick.
• I am thankful for my roommates dog Hudson; his antics can literally make me laugh out loud!
• I am thankful that after two sick days, consuming a ton of Nyquil/Dayquil and running through boxes of Kleenex that my cold is pretty much gone.
• I am thankful for the great time I had in Chicago after Christmas. It was a wonderfully relaxing week.

What plan?

Remember my plan of attack from earlier this week. Evidently I didn't etch it in into stone as it isn’ going as I had hoped. My cold took a turn for a worse and I wound up using a sick day on Thursday. So I didn’t get to see Shannon.

I did make it to see Molly today to lift weights. It was a tough session. She jokingly told me that on her sheet she had written “Try to kill Erika today.” Well I am not dead. But tomorrow could be interesting as my muscles are already starting to hurt; especially my right leg/right knee.

Going Public

255-180-165-200-190-220-180-230-200-200+

The numbers above unfortunately do not reflect a complex combination or a set of winning lottery numbers. They represent my weight over the past 5 years. It’s a sad depressing realization that I recognize over the past two years I have gained a lot of weight. I moved to Fargo and was 180 pounds; I am now well over 200 pounds. I have excuses but now is not the time for those.

So I am one of the many American’s that resolved to lose weight and get back in shape this New Year. I’d caution though that this is not a resolution made on the spur of the moment. I have been thinking about it during the entire holiday season – since Thanksgiving. . Christmas is my favorite holiday; and although there were some bright moments during my Christmas week this year was one of my least favorite.

Over these past months I have sincerely struggled to enjoy the basic things in life. My weight has overshadowed every thought and action I have had. But still I haven’t been able to put my feet to the pavement nor have I put the fork down!

I have many blessings in my life but during the past few months it’s been hard to even recognize them due to the mindset I have been in

This cannot continue. It will not continue.

I have to admit that I had hoped to hit the ground running on Monday, January 3 when I planned to be back in Fargo after my holiday vacation. Unfortunately on New Year’s Eve I was hit with a cold/fever combination that I have been battling ever since. I even had to delay my return to Fargo by a day. I know….another excuse.

I am focused on not letting this cold get me off tract.

That all said I need to go public with my goals.

So here is my plan of attack (some of which I have already done).

· Committed to Weight Watchers

o I began tracking my food today

· Will be meeting with my trainer Shannon on Thursday to lift weights

· Will be meeting with my trainer Molly on Saturday to lift weights

· I plan to get at least three cardio workouts in between Wednesday and Sunday

o The cough my limit my pace but I will get them done!